All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour.
So when you ask “Was something wrong?”,
That I think “You’re damn right there is but we can’t talk about it now.
No, we can’t talk about it now.”
So I’ve not written in a while. I’ve just been in too much of funk that I couldn’t manage it. Funk is the wrong word, the phrase I’ve used a few times when talking to friends has been “mind-crippling depression.” I’m still very depressed, but I think I’ve pulled myself from the worst of it. The ideation has passed. I was going to say it was gone, but I know that at some point, sooner or later it’ll come back.
I still spend an enormous amount of time thinking about Kayla. I really do. I was (am) very much in love with her. I keep thinking all the things I could have done differently, but none of that will help me now. I think that’s the hardest part. It’s like having murdered someone and having to sit in a cell every day and replay those events in your head. For me, the cell is my own brain. It’s not a place one would want to visit. It’s the exit on the interstate that you skip when you’re looking for a bathroom.
Kayla had posted an idea of what her prime timeline looks like, with her doing successful things in Rhode Island, having never left. When I talked to her about it, I explained that in my headcanon, that timeline has me in Rhode Island with her. Everything is fine. I surmised that the two timelines had split the day we flipped a bottle cap to see which of us was going to move. In the darkest timeline, she came here and it played out as it has. In the prime timeline, I moved to her and everything is going well.
I want to be on the prime timeline in a bad way.
So the thought of leaving this place is again popping up. The only thing that kept me from leaving before was Kayla coming here. My reasons for leaving were only partly to be with her. They were also for me to have a chance to start over fresh without so much “dead me” baggage. This has come up due to my company finally starting to come around to the idea of transferring me out of the worksite. Since there aren’t any other call centers in Louisville with my company, they asked if I would consider moving to Atlanta, Miami or New Orleans. After doing some research, I’ve determined that no, I would not really consider that. I asked for something in a blue state. Somewhere that has statewide protections for trans people. I’ve been scanning the company’s open positions and I found a few that were interesting. I even applied to be a Store Manager at one of our corporate owned retail stores, in Providence of all places.
It feels weird to consider going to Providence and not be there with Kayla. It feels backwards. It feels like dating your best friend’s ex-girlfriend. In any event, I don’t think that I would be even considered for that job. I’d been applying for assistant manager positions in Louisville and couldn’t get a call back. As John Cusack said in High Fidelity, ” It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down, and asking for fifty grand instead.”
But whatever. But… what if they say yes. Then what the fuck do I do? I guess I’ll figure it out if that happens.
It’s nearly 2am, I had to take a phone call when I was really focused on this. I’ve lost that focus, so I’m going to just cut it off right now.
2 thoughts on “Transatlanticism”
Addison—I admit, I’m totally stunned right now. Somehow I completely missed that you and Kayla parted ways. My heart breaks for you. I’ve been off Twitter since August due to a myriad of reasons, all of which include the shit show that’s been my own world the past few months.
I am so. So. Soooo incredibly sorry. I have been excited and hopeful for your and Kayla’s relationship to be everything beautiful, wonderful, kind, loving, adoring. It seems weird that since we’ve never met, this mattered so much to me and would even affect me at all. It does. It saddens me to the core; I was big time rooting for you both. I just want the very best for you and your sweet new love affair with Kayla brightened my soul and made me smile. I don’t know the right words to say to provide the comfort you need. I am so sorry.
You remain special in my heart and I’m throwing healing energy your direction.
Thanks for your kind words. I too had such high hopes and aspirations for this relationship. I think if we hadn’t been here in KY, but in RI, things might have been able to be patched up. However, with nothing keeping her here, no friends, no job, she left pretty rapidly with me trying to get her to not go. In the end, I couldn’t force her to stay. I might have been able to hold her “hostage” in a way, but it would have been petty and I never even considered it. I wish she would have reconsidered and given me a second chance, but she couldn’t see her way through it. In the end, we’re both devastated, broken and hurt. We’re just over 1000 miles apart. It’s hard to reconcile across that sort of chasm. In any event, considering what-if’s won’t solve anything and I’ve likely lost her forever. She’ll always be “that one that got away” and I’ve no one to blame but myself.