Consider yourself forewarned. I know that members of my family read this. I know that they already have certain feelings about my activities, etc. This post will probably not redeem myself in their eyes.
When I asked Megan, “How much of this can I write?”, she wanted editorial control initially. When I expressed my disdain due to delays related to her being asleep as I type this, she just said use my best judgement. Since this is a trait that I’m not known well for, we’re going to see how it goes.
Megan’s concern was that people would say disparaging things about me to her. Most likely in an attempt to seem like an ally to her. However, she sees it as an attack on our relationship. As such, she feels compelled to argue my merit.
So my point is this. If you’re one of those people, maybe keep your commentary to yourself. Or share it with me, directly. I’ll be more than happy to engage you in discourse.
2015.09.07, 23:55 — I considered writing a part of this at about 9am this morning, but I realize now that I would be here revising it because I wasn’t in a mental capacity to do much of anything at that point.
I'm very happy and very very sad this morning. I assume this is (insert insightful quip about the human condition.)
— what if i was wrong? (@DamnitAddie) September 7, 2015
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. So let’s rewind a bit.
So, I had a fabulous long holiday weekend. I’d been planning it for weeks. In previous posts, I’ve eluded to a new friend. She has been very important part of my life for the past couple months. So, we made plans for me to come visit her in Ohio.
The days crawled leading up to the event. The visit in general was discouraged by Megan, with just cause. I assured her that this was strictly a friend thing.. Nothing more, nothing to see, move along. I wasn’t totally honest with either person… the new friend or my wife. That I had feelings for this other person. Lots of feels.
I somewhat hoped that we’d meet and it just wasn’t what I expected. Wasn’t what I hoped for. Wasn’t as good as I built up in my mind. I had explained to my therapist that I was aware of the idea of being in love with the idea of a person versus the actual person. Being what the internet is and what selfie culture has bred.. We’ve been sold on the idea that nothing is what it seems. I’m sure I’m guilty of presenting myself in a better light than the rest of society can appreciate. However, that time never came. I mean, the meeting happened. The being let down part, it never came. Which is good, unless you’re hoping to valet park some feelings… and you know, take a cab home and never return.
We spent a wonderful weekend of eating food at local eateries, walking the parks and avenues, and strolling along the river banks. There was also just sitting and laying around and talking. And talking. And talking. And talking. Which, as you might have assumed from these entries, is something I excel at. I can’t shut the fuck up.
Of course, all too quickly, it was over. I had mostly successfully concealed my desire and longing for a type of contact and connection that I simply was not and am not getting at home. Reality sunk it that while I wanted nothing more than to just sit in a room with this person and do nothing but listen to her breathe, it was not to be. We have our own lives, our own responsibilities, our own demons. We live five plus hours away from each other. She had to work today.
So, I began the long journey back to Kentucky. Begrudgingly. I told her, and Megan later this evening, that I just didn’t want to come home. I cried, with my head on her shoulder, sitting on the bumper of a U-haul truck. I put my sunglasses on to hide the tears. It didn’t work. Moments later, she was gone. Driving off to work. I walked back to our hotel room. Now just my hotel room. I sobbed a little more, not knowing what the fuck had happened in my life….
I had nearly 6 hours to consider the things happening in my life. How they impact the people closest to me. How they impact me. The more answers I came up with, the more questions. I just don’t know what to do with my life. Obviously, this woman regards me as a friend, but she doesn’t share the same feeling for me that I have for her. Megan on the other hand, loves me dearly, but I’m her roommate. We co-parent, we socialize, we dine, but that’s about it. The same concerns that I’ve mentioned as still going to be there for a long time to come.
So after dinner, I decided that there were some disclosures that needed to be made to both parties. I explained to Megan that in my experience, telling the whole truth doesn’t always help. Sometime an omission is an act of kindness. I explained that I had feeling for this person. That it was extremely unlikely that this person had feelings for me. Also, I reassured her that nothing had happened, in the ways that she was concerned with.
In the end, we both know that it’s unlikely that this marriage will survive my full transition. I explained to her that it was a wonderful feeling being in a town where no one knew I was trans. No one there knew my dead name. No one gave a shit. Very freeing. I also said that I wanted to be nomadic and just explore the country.
Megan’s position is that she hates the idea of divorce, but will go through with it, as long as I am the one to file. She also mentioned that she could live with us being divorced, but she couldn’t stomach the idea of me moving away from the kids. She wants me to be in her life, as well as the boys.
So, I’m still not sure what to do. I know I can’t play both sides. We have to make a decision about how long we want to keep this charade going. I just hope we manage before everything goes way off the rails.
PS: I didn’t proofread this. I was too tired.