So, I’ve been trying to hold back. I’ve been trying to not be on my soapbox. However, I have to say some stuff. I keep thinking of a recent song by Drake where he says:
“When I look back I might be mad that I gave this attention. Yeah, but it’s weighin’ heavy on my conscience. Yeah, and fuck, you left the boy no options.”
That’s where I’m at. Aside from random strangers on the internet telling me to kill myself and that I’m a (slurs redacted), I’ve had extended family of my wife tell me that I’m a narcissistic asshole, and that he doesn’t give our marriage 100:1 odds. (He’s an excellent handicapper, so he boasts.) All this while misgendering me and basically saying that being a transsexual is something we do only for ourselves or for cosmetic/aesthetic reasons. Not because I’m really a woman. For what it’s worth Rob, I think you meant selfish, not narcissistic. I do like to take pictures of myself, but I’m not really all that.
Now, I’ve found out that a family at church… I know what you’re thinking, but stay with me.. A family at the church that I don’t attend is leaving the parish because of me. The reasoning? I allegedly sent their teenage son a facebook friend request. I have no idea who they are, nor do I know who their kid is. Couldn’t pick them out of a line-up, I’m certain. Megan asked me “Do you know who (name redacted) is?” and I replied “You mean the guy that created The X-Files?”
I mean, this comes after the realization that my marriage might not work out. (No thanks to Rob, we had that discussion before you started off on your unsolicited diatribe.) This comes after I’m having recurring thoughts that I would rather be dead than alive. After the daily ritual of crying somewhere, like my car, the bathroom, wherever… You know, because I have so much free time, that I’m trying to befriend strange cis teenage boys. For what end? Who knows, maybe they think that because I’m a transexual, I must be a pedophile.. or maybe I’m going to make your son want to wear dresses and listen to Tori Amos. This also assumes that I actively go around sending people facebook requests… because I don’t. Despite coming out of my cocoon slightly after switching from regular to diet, I’m still fairly close to being a misanthrope. I’m still socially akward. I’m just less awkward with myself, I’m no longer faking two things.. 1) that I was a man and 2) that i enjoy interacting with people.
I’m rambling. I’m torn across people. I’m torn across issues. I’m torn across trying to be a trans right activist and trying to not piss off all my “friends.” I’m trying to support my wife, I’m trying to support my co-workers and my union as we work without a contract. I’m trying to be a parent to my children. I’m trying to take a class and stay in therapy and all that entails. I’m exhausted.