Buy the ticket, take the ride…
No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride…and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well…maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten. –Hunter S. Thompson
A busy couple of days. All of my days seem busier as of late. I kind of miss the weeks where all I did was take Grayson to school and then come back home and go back to sleep. Where my evenings were spent drinking at Hooters. That said, the lost sleep is starting to pay off. It’s all happening is a line from Almost Famous that I really like, and it’s kind of fitting for me. I’m starting to see some progress. Maybe not physically, but progress never the less.
So, after two weeks of pestering (by pestering, I mean two emails and one instant message) my HR lady finally came back on Monday and said that I can begin to use the women’s restroom at work. This was both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I mean, as I continue to present more and more fem at work, I need to not be in the men’s room. It’s just not right. On the other hand, I still look like a man in makeup. I don’t want to make the other women in my office uncomfortable. As much as I feel like I belong there, I want people to be comfortable.
So I’ve been hitting the restrooms that are less frequently traveled. Trying to run in and out as quickly as possible. So far, this has worked well enough. I’ve only run into one other person. She was walking out as I was walking in. She did a double take on me, and just kept moving. I don’t know who she was.
Today, I finally got my estrogen prescription. My endocrinologist still refuses to give me the spironolactone to block the testosterone. But just having the estradiol make me feel like I’m getting close .
Despite it all, I’m probably looked upon at work as some sort of freak and in public as probably a creeper crossdresser. I can actually understand people’s reactions and that’s probably why I don’t get more upset. It still hurts though. When I’m putting so much effort into getting up early and shaving, trying so hard to cover up my shadow with makeup. Applying mascara and lipstick. Curling my eyelashes… shaving my legs. Only to be misgendered by everyone. I went to Target tonight, all made up. I wanted to try on a skirt. I had every intention of spending a bunch of money and buying a few different outfits. The girl running the changing room pointed me to the men’s side. I looked at her, and said “Seriously?” I just walked out.
It’s probably not her fault. I look pretty manly. As manly as someone can look while carrying a purse, wearing skin tight jeans and makeup. But it’s hard, Hard to push so far forward but it’s not enough. You’re never quite there. At least not yet. Two steps forward, one step backwards. That’s still progress though, right?
Ok, It’s time for me to go to bed, if I intend to go file name change paperwork and not go back to bed in the morning…..