I don’t even know what I want to write. I just know I wanted to put something in text. Things are weird in my mind right now. Megan and I are talking about our futures apart and I’m trying to imagine my life, moving forward from here.
I’ve gone through the five stages with the marriage thing… I’ve been angry, I’ve been in denial. I tried bargaining. There’s certainly been depression, but for now, I’ve just accepted it as an inevitability. Something that’s kind of been drawn out maybe longer than it need be. There were reasons, like her being able to come with me to California as my spouse, my medical proxy, my caregiver. However, we’re more like besties than lovers at this point. She says she wants to still be able to come over and have sleepovers and whatnot. We’ll see.
As for me, I have sort of a rough idea of what I’d ideally like to do, to simplify my life and get back to basics. The broad strokes are:
- Sell the boat.
- Take that money and finish the Jeep.
- With the Jeep running, sell my car. (eliminating debt and lowering insurance.)
- Sell the house.
- Take that money and buy or build some form of tiny house. (No more mortgage.)
At that point, all I’d have left is credit card debt, land lease cost, utilities and child support. Getting rid of that extra overhead might allow me to explore other options for work, location and my overhead quality of life. I’ve spent so many years working to buy stuff, chasing happiness through possessions. Shit that didn’t make me happy (for long.) I have owned 18 different cars/trucks in about as many years. Plus the boat, the jet ski, the scooter, etc, etc. It’s fleeting.
I want to get back to basics. I want to be able to cook, listen to music, and relax. Spend more time enjoying the company of others. Less time lying about.
At the same time, I’ve also considered moving somewhere else and starting over. Somewhere a bit more trans friendly than Kentucky. I’ve looked at options to make my tiny house mobile. My biggest concern is, of course, my children. I want to be in their lives. There’s nowhere geographically close to Louisville that’s more trans friendly. Indiana – No, Ohio – Nope, Tennessee – HAHAHAH. No. Chicago is probably the closest. For the really decent places, you have to go far west, or to the northeast. As it is, I have a newfound interest in the northeast. My interest is less of the place and more because of the people. Of course when I say people, I mean a person. However, from where I’m sitting, she might as well live in freaking Narnia.
I try and convince myself that the ideas in my head are probably better than the reality. I truly am a pragmatist in the brain. However, my heart is a hopeless romantic. There’s not much I won’t do for someone’s affection. With my marriage, the only thing I could do to save it was the one thing that was going to kill me in the long term. So here we are. From out there and back.
Ok, this is total drivel and I’m going to stop now.