Browsed by
Month: March 2015

Monday Update

Monday Update

I guess there’s plenty to update, although some days it doesn’t feel like it.

I’ll start with work. So I made it exactly one week before someone said something about me using the women’s room. The person wasn’t even in the restroom. They yelled at me when I came out. The dialog went something like:

Her: “Did you just come out of the ladies room?

Me: Yeah?

I just kept walking, didn’t matter. I belong there, HR signed off. However, this marks why I thought everyone should be informed of what was going on. The person in question didn’t work on my floor. So I sent email to the director of that floor to let them know who I was, and explaining my situation and HR’s stance.

This generated HR calling me and then basically they went around and told everyone, small groups at a time, who I was and that I’m a transgender woman in the process of transitioning from presenting male to female.  That was on Thursday. All has been quiet since then. We’ll see how it goes.

Still waiting on my name change paperwork to come back from the state. Seems to be taking FOREVER. In an ideal world, it would show up tomorrow. This would allow me to go to the social security office on wednesday, update them. Once that’s done, I have to wait 24 hours to get a new license. Which would be be perfect because I have a hair appointment on Thursday. So I could go get a new picture taken while I’m fresh to death, kid.

I have my first appointment with my new endocrinologist on Monday. I’m excited for this, because I’m hoping he’ll give me the spironolactone so we can get this show on the road. I’m also going to ask him about Progesterone. I’ve read that I can help with breast development. I want to have the maximum safe effects as quickly as possible.

I think I had more to say, but I’m losing focus.. Maybe a more thoughtful post later.

So this happened…

So this happened…

Not much to update, but I did want to post this picture..




So that happened… Filed and hopefully have it back in a couple weeks. Once I have the official copies back, then I can update social security, then with that done, I can get a new driver’s license. One that doesn’t have so much facial hair in it.

Buy the ticket, take the ride…

Buy the ticket, take the ride…

No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride…and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well…maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten. –Hunter S. Thompson

A busy couple of days. All of my days seem busier as of late. I kind of miss the weeks where all I did was take Grayson to school and then come back home and go back to sleep. Where my evenings were spent drinking at Hooters.  That said, the lost sleep is starting to pay off. It’s all happening is a line from Almost Famous that I really like, and it’s kind of fitting for me. I’m starting to see some progress. Maybe not physically, but progress never the less.

its all happening

So, after two weeks of pestering (by pestering, I mean two emails and one instant message) my HR lady finally came back on Monday and said that I can begin to use the women’s restroom at work. This was both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I mean, as I continue to present more and more fem at work, I need to not be in the men’s room. It’s just not right. On the other hand, I still look like a man in makeup. I don’t want to make the other women in my office uncomfortable. As much as I feel like I belong there, I want people to be comfortable.

So I’ve been hitting the restrooms that are less frequently traveled. Trying to run in and out as quickly as possible. So far, this has worked well enough. I’ve only run into one other person. She was walking out as I was walking in. She did a double take on me, and just kept moving. I don’t know who she was.

Today, I finally got my estrogen prescription. My endocrinologist still refuses to give me the spironolactone to block the testosterone. But just having the estradiol make me feel like I’m getting close .


Despite it all, I’m probably looked upon at work as some sort of freak and in public as probably a creeper crossdresser. I can actually understand people’s reactions and that’s probably why I don’t get more upset. It still hurts though. When I’m putting so much effort into getting up early and shaving, trying so hard to cover up my shadow with makeup. Applying mascara and lipstick. Curling my eyelashes… shaving my legs. Only to be misgendered by everyone. I went to Target tonight, all made up. I wanted to try on a skirt. I had every intention of spending a bunch of money and buying a few different outfits. The girl running the changing room pointed me to the men’s side. I looked at her, and said “Seriously?” I just walked out.

It’s probably not her fault. I look pretty manly. As manly as someone can look while carrying a purse, wearing skin tight jeans and makeup. But it’s hard, Hard to push so far forward but it’s not enough. You’re never quite there. At least not yet. Two steps forward, one step backwards. That’s still progress though, right?

Ok, It’s time for me to go to bed, if I intend to go file name change paperwork and not go back to bed in the morning…..

Depression, Dysphoria, Drinking

Depression, Dysphoria, Drinking

The 3 D’s in my life. Believe me, You don’t want these D’s.

Before I delve into all that, let me pick up where I left off. My ramble on the doctor had run a little long, and I never got the chance to fill in the rest of the day.  So after the doctor’s office, my feeling of excitement was again dashed. I had felt good about myself, and confident of my appearance. I was excited that I was just right on the edge of getting the hormones that I so desperately need to fully start my transition. Of course, once again I’m still not there. The only good thing that came from my doctor’s appointment was getting correctly gendered on the elevator. A lady said “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am” because the door almost closed on me.

I spent the next hour or so looking for a clinic or doctor in the Louisville/Southern Indiana/Lexington area that would prescribe based on the informed consent model. Basically, a doctor that will say “read this” and hand you a list of what’s going to happen, the risks, side effects and then if you’re ok with it, they write the scripts. No question of if they think you’re ready, or if you’ve shaved your pubic hair, or whatever.

Sadly, there do not appear to be any in this area. Chicago or Atlanta was the closest I could come up with. Planned Parenthood does, but none of the ones here. Mostly in NY and Cali. This is something that’s so lacking in many areas, because trans healthcare is pretty sad.  I tried to call PP to confirm, but after sitting on their menu system for 34 minutes and 58 seconds, I gave up. I really didn’t want to sit on the phone with them for an hour to get the news I already assumed to be true.

So, I decided to cheer up and just try and make the best of a rainy and gray day. I put my boots back on and headed to the mall. I had a dress that Megan and I had impulse purchased at Forever 21 without having me try it on first. Way too small, in a large, I couldn’t get it over my hips or my shoulders. Sad, it was cute. I just probably need a 2X in that brand. Forever21 doesn’t do cash returns, so I have store credit. I walked the store for 30 minutes, and it’s just so…. disorganized that I gave up. I think I’m going to have to shop in the plus size department and I just couldn’t find anything I liked because you have to stop at each rack and go through each garment because there might be 4 different tops on one rack.

I also had a ring that Megan bought for me for Valentine’s Day that I needed to get sized. I took it into the jeweler and actually got two compliments. One girl said she liked my boots and then another said she loved my dress. So that made me feel good. The ring won’t be back for a week. I’m excited to have it, because it’s pretty and girly and that’s kinda what I’m into right now.

My biggest achievement of the day was successfully navigating the women’s room at the mall. One of those huge 20 toilet bathrooms. I tried to just be as confident as I could with that “I’m supposed to be here” attitude. No one said anything and if they gave me a funny look, I didn’t notice because I didn’t make eye contact with a soul.

I went to a few other places that day, Qdoba, the grocery store, etc.. All without incident, comment, ridicule or otherwise. It was great. I felt so authentic and just very comfortable in my own skin. This is where I’ve been trying to get to and it feels so good. However, the highs bring the extreme lows afterwards. Megan is still not comfortable going out with me in full fem mode. So I slipped out of my outfit and back into jeans and a t-shirt for dinner. As soon as this happened and I wiped off the lipstick, I kinda fell back into the dumps. It was like back to reality. The land of “Sir.”

I had to work yesterday, and it was all fine. Except for the working part, but I’m just sort of androgynous. Sort of, is probably the wrong word. If everyone didn’t know that I was married, they’d assume I was just a very gay man. I’m certainly the only “man” in the office that wears jeggings to work. They probably still think I’m a gay man who just happened to be married. Some people know about my transition and there’s been a little gossip, but I don’t think it’s made the full rounds of the office. However, one of the people I work with, who was our team leader when we first came out of training has been very nice to me and kinda checks on me from time to time to see how things are going. That’s been really cool.

After work, Megan drug me out to dinner with Grayson and her mother. I think the thing is, with the way I’m presenting at this point, my male is too gay or fem to pass for male, but not over the tipping point of being girly. If my hair was longer, and if I had boobs, I’d be a woman.. but for now, I’m just a man carrying a purse in some jeggings.  So honestly, I think I get more puzzled glances like that, than I did in the dress.  Megan’s uncomfortableness is with that attention, but I think we’re getting more attention as I am now than we would all out.

So last night, when I came home, I was just used up. I didn’t want to do anything except mope and wallow in my depression and dysphoria… which leads to drinking. Nothing like self-medicating your depression with a depressant. Right? But that’s how I work… when things are great, we celebrate, we drink. When things are bad, we contemplate, we drink. I’m not saying it’s right, but it is what it is.

Megan tried to make me feel better, laid with me. She had me put on one of her nightgowns and tried to ease my mind. She’s so great, I love her so much. Here she is trying to manage her own emotions of losing the man in her life, and she’s trying to help me feel better about things… I’m so fortunate. We’re both trying to minimize the distress of each other, but every victory I have comes at her expense. There is no win here for her, just loss and grief.

Busy day!

Busy day!

Today was my Follow-up visit with Dr. Winters.  I haven’t written about him at this point, and I’ve been considering if I wanted to do so at all. The subject is so sensitive that I debated making it public.  However, I’m going to write it out. I want to warn people that I’m going to make references to my body, so if you don’t want to read about that, be forewarned to turn away now.

So, back in January, I was referred to Dr. Winters by my therapist. I was warned up front that his bedside manor wasn’t the best, and that if I had questions I would need to have them ready up front, because he was typically in and out. I figured I could deal with this. My alternative was another doctor, but the wait time for an appointment was much longer.

So I chose the quicker alternative, thinking I didn’t want to wait any longer than I had to. Even still, my appointment was 3 weeks out. So on 2/6, I went into the University of Louisville Physicians office. I remember being excited about this appointment.. thinking that in a couple days I’d be on my way to the physical transition that I want so badly.

I started with a fellow. I didn’t get her name. She did the preliminary questionnaire and exam. It didn’t take long for the odd and inappropriate questions and comments to start. She mentioned my masculine clothing. I was wearing a fleece, a woman’s t-shirt, skinny jeans and chuck taylors. I don’t even know how you construe that outfit as being masculine. Then she asked about me not shaving my arms.

She had my strip down and put on the exam gown. I made sure when I took off  my clothes to put my very pink panties on top of the pile, just to emphasise the point that I was not dressing masculine.

When she came back in, She examined my lymph nodes, and had me lower the top part of the gown and poked and prodded my breast area. Again, she asked about hair removal on my chest. I have very little chest hair to start with. Then she asked if she could examine my genitals. I agreed. She lifted my gown and looked but did not touch me down there.  Once again, she commented on the lack of hair removal from my genitals. She was very focused on hair removal as being a key part of being a woman. I wanted to ask her if she shaved her own pubic hair.

She concluded her exam and had me cover back up. She left and when she came back, she brought with her Dr. Winters. He seemed nice enough, and he asked a few questions, mainly about family response, my therapy, etc.. They seemed fairly friendly. He examined my neck again, checked my chest.. and then, with no warning, no dinner, no gloves, just raised my gown and started groping my testicles and penis. Now, I don’t have any real mind crippling dysphoria with my genitals, but some trans women do. To the point where they don’t like to get naked and look at their own genitals, let alone have some random old white guy go on a scavenger hunt down there.

I let this happen. I don’t know, I didn’t like it, but I wanted to get hormones, so I was willing to put up with a little bit of nonsense to get where I needed to be.  After it was said and done, he talked with me a little bit. He said we’d start with estrogen alone, without a testosterone blocker. Based on my research, I don’t agree with this approach, but I again, I am going to play the game to get what I needed.  He wanted to do blood work, obviously.. He told me to get dressed and they’d come get me. So I did that, but this is where things get a little more weird. Dr. Winters comes back, and wants to know what my relationship with my father is like. How this is medically relevant is beyond me. I answer truthfully though. After blood work was done, I scheduled a new appointment for a follow-up.

This was on a Friday. On Monday, they called back. My cholesterol was very high, he wants to run a glucose tolerance test. I don’t know what cholesterol has to do with insulin and glucose, so I ask. I said “Is there a concern that I might be diabetic?”

His reply was terse and seemingly annoyed, “I wouldn’t be doing the test if I didn’t think there was concern.”

This actually made me mad, and I said “I’m not trying to argue with you, I just don’t know what the connection is, so that’s why I’m asking.”

His tone changes, and he explains what his thought process was, concern that estrogen would make the cholesterol problem worse, which could cause pancreatitis.

So on Wednesday, I come back and do the GTT, which was uneventful, but boring. I dressed more feminine this time, but I never saw the doctor. In fact, I didn’t hear back from him until Friday, 2/13.  I was still at work when he called, and I will probably remember this conversation for the rest of my life. I was so upset at the end of the call that I could barely focus. I was just so genuinely upset and mad.

The basic gist of the call was that while I was not diabetic, I was insulin resistant. I needed to lose weight and get my cholesterol down. That he could not in good conscience prescribe estrogen to me in my current state. I just didn’t, and still don’t, understand this thought process. I am sure that there are any number of CIS women that have high cholesterol and are on estrogen supplements. So I asked him point blank, “If I was a (genetic) female presenting with high cholesterol, would you withhold estrogen from her?” His reply was no. But still, he would not give me hormones. I wanted to cry, but couldn’t seem to make the tears come out.

So, he put me on Lipitor and said to come back in a month. So… that brings us to today. I go back, and they recheck my vitals. Good news is I lost over 13 pounds since my initial visit. I spend no more than 5 minutes with the actual doctor. Since there had been so much emphasis on how I wasn’t presenting feminine enough, I went all out. New boots, leggings, dress, jacket… Mascara, lip stick and all that..  He walked into the examine room and looked at me… and he says “Well, good for you.” I still don’t know how to take that comment.

He explained the GTT results and how my sugar levels were ok, but my body was making a ton of insulin to get there. Made reference to my weight loss, but that I was still a long way from where I needed to be and to keep working on that.  He then asked if I had any problems with the medications. Plural. I thought he just said it by mistake. He asked about the cholesterol meds, if I had had any side effects. Then he asked if I had any problems with the estrogen.

Wait, what? I took a second to process that question.

“I wouldn’t know, you refused to give it to me”, I replied.

His response was basically, Oh right. He basically said as long as my cholesterol looks better, we’d start the estrogen. So now I’m just waiting on those results. Hopefully back Monday.

I’ll have to wrap this up later, as this took longer than I thought it would.



So, I’ve been meaning to update this thing for a while and just haven’t found the time. Which is a lie. It just hasn’t been a priority for me. I get side tracked easily, my mind wonders… and then it’s 2am and I should be sleeping.

While I still feel like my transition is going very slow, there’s a lot happening. I recently started a 12 week group therapy session. It explores gender identity and issues pertaining to trans folks. It seems to be a good group. We’re 3 weeks in and just starting to stretch our legs, so to speak. I’m excited to see where that leads. I’m continuing to keep weekly sessions with my therapist as well, just to keep everything in my head moving forward.

I also took a ride down to Lexington on this most recent Saturday evening and visited my first meeting with the TransKentucky group. This is a monthly meeting. There were quite a few people and I think we actually filled every seat in the place. We had speakers from the ACLU of Kentucky, Michael Aldridge and T Gonzales. They came to speak about Trans rights on a federal, state and local level.  It was informative and I really enjoyed the fellowship. I hope to make it back to future meetings.

I recently had my 3rd session of laser hair removal on my face, and I think it’s finally starting to show some results. I was a wimp though. She was trying to raise the power and it just hurt. So we stayed at the same level as the previous session. I realized after I left that the 2nd session I had taken some ibuprofen about an hour before I arrived.. That probably helped. That and I may or may not have been hungover and dehydrated. I’m sure that didn’t help my case. In any event, I go back in about 2 weeks, I’ll make sure to hydrate and pre-medicate and see if they can’t turn me up to the proverbial 11. I need this beard gone, pronto. STAT. Like yesterday. Shaving sucks. My friend Lee said, well at least you’re down one area of shaving. Then he thought about it for a minute and said…. nevermind, you’ve got to shave even more now.

On the other fronts, while my therapy is going well, all is not well across the board. I am still trying desperately to get started on hormones. It’s the one endeavor that I have not succeeded on thus far. My doctor, in my approximation is not real fond of trans people. That’s my impression. I could be wrong.  His questioning and bedside manner is aggravating at best and downright offensive at points. I have my next appointment this Friday. I intend it to be the last with him. If he doesn’t give me prescriptions at this point, I have no interest in continuing to feed his practice my money. The cash price of the visits and procedures he’s ordered thus far are somewhere in the neighborhood of ~$1600. My portion is smaller than that, but it’s not an insignificant amount.

Tonight, my wife and I went out to dinner, and afterwards we did a little shopping for me. I wanted something feminine to wear to my appointment. Mostly because when I showed up in skinny jeans, t-shirt, sneakers and a columbia fleece last time, I was told that I dressed fairly masculine. Roh-kay, real cool. With the exception of the jeans and the fleece, everything was either unisex or from the women’s department. I guess I was supposed to wear a dress. So, this time, that’s exactly what I intend to do. Give em’ what they want. Pander to the gatekeepers.