Out there and back
I don’t even know what I want to write. I just know I wanted to put something in text. Things are weird in my mind right now. Megan and I are talking about our futures apart and I’m trying to imagine my life, moving forward from here.
I’ve gone through the five stages with the marriage thing… I’ve been angry, I’ve been in denial. I tried bargaining. There’s certainly been depression, but for now, I’ve just accepted it as an inevitability. Something that’s kind of been drawn out maybe longer than it need be. There were reasons, like her being able to come with me to California as my spouse, my medical proxy, my caregiver. However, we’re more like besties than lovers at this point. She says she wants to still be able to come over and have sleepovers and whatnot. We’ll see.
As for me, I have sort of a rough idea of what I’d ideally like to do, to simplify my life and get back to basics. The broad strokes are:
- Sell the boat.
- Take that money and finish the Jeep.
- With the Jeep running, sell my car. (eliminating debt and lowering insurance.)
- Sell the house.
- Take that money and buy or build some form of tiny house. (No more mortgage.)
At that point, all I’d have left is credit card debt, land lease cost, utilities and child support. Getting rid of that extra overhead might allow me to explore other options for work, location and my overhead quality of life. I’ve spent so many years working to buy stuff, chasing happiness through possessions. Shit that didn’t make me happy (for long.) I have owned 18 different cars/trucks in about as many years. Plus the boat, the jet ski, the scooter, etc, etc. It’s fleeting.
I want to get back to basics. I want to be able to cook, listen to music, and relax. Spend more time enjoying the company of others. Less time lying about.
At the same time, I’ve also considered moving somewhere else and starting over. Somewhere a bit more trans friendly than Kentucky. I’ve looked at options to make my tiny house mobile. My biggest concern is, of course, my children. I want to be in their lives. There’s nowhere geographically close to Louisville that’s more trans friendly. Indiana – No, Ohio – Nope, Tennessee – HAHAHAH. No. Chicago is probably the closest. For the really decent places, you have to go far west, or to the northeast. As it is, I have a newfound interest in the northeast. My interest is less of the place and more because of the people. Of course when I say people, I mean a person. However, from where I’m sitting, she might as well live in freaking Narnia.
I try and convince myself that the ideas in my head are probably better than the reality. I truly am a pragmatist in the brain. However, my heart is a hopeless romantic. There’s not much I won’t do for someone’s affection. With my marriage, the only thing I could do to save it was the one thing that was going to kill me in the long term. So here we are. From out there and back.
Ok, this is total drivel and I’m going to stop now.
3 thoughts on “Out there and back”
Doesn’t matter you live in a tiny house or drive a clunker your living your life as you should. So stay nearby for the kids. As for me I am trapped in Louisville. With my job and family. So I wish you many happy years to come.
Addison,
Your best bet would be to reduce as much debt as you can, especially if the marriage is failing. You want to start fresh and you don’t need all them things sitting in your driveway.
Addie–you write so beautifully and your honesty and vulnerability shine through. Thank you for sharing your journey, the good the bad and the ugly; I’m honored to follow it. Although I’m cis female and not transitioning, there are huge life changing events happening for me at 48, and I too am facing what’s really important in my life. I have a gigantic 4000 SF home I share with my husband. The clutter is REAL. Although I’m blessed financially and that’s not an issue, I’m tired of “stuff” everywhere and looming over me. It’s time to dig out, get back to spending time on what’s important (husband, friends, family, cool life-enriching hobbies, travel), and letting go of possessions that just weigh me down and depict who I used to be, not who I want to be. I love that you’re thinking tiny house…I watch hgtv and salivate over those little wonders and watch the personal and financial freedom people obtain going that route!
As you know from our exchanges, I have a 15 YO trans niece. She’s really excited to age up to the stage that she can have her GRS. Your willingness to share every part of your experience helps me know the emotional and physical possibilities for her future. I appreciate you being so open and detailed about your trek on the MTF road. Please know how supported I feel due to your sharing your experiences.
I’m excited to continue to watch you blossom in your life…as a woman, a mom, a partner, a human being. You’re such an amazing lady and you touch a really special place in my heart. It’s been a privilege to follow you on Twitter and go along for the vicarious ride with you in your transition and life. Thanks for doing me the honor of following me and corresponding with me. If you ever trek to Oregon, you’ve got a friend here and a guest room with your name on it.