TransVentures

Let’s talk for a minute about the shitstorm that is social media. It’s a wonderful awesome terrible thing. I’m going to let you in on a secret. It’s something that I had an inkling of for sometime, but it’s becoming more evident as time passes.

The big secret? You should not be “friends” with everyone you know. I’ll say that again. Just because you know a person, that does NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD BE FACEBOOK FRIENDS.

This is my life. I went to school with you 20 years ago. We ran into each other in Wal-Mart about 8 years ago. So now, I have to be your facebook friend for the rest of my natural life. Right? Wrong.

My wife has lately been the target of some people excluding her from activities because of me. Let me rephrase that…. because they think that I am the second coming of Satan herself, with better fashion sense and a much higher dose of estrogen, my wife can’t go to the movies with them. *AHEM*

 

So she found out that they were going to a movie and she wasn’t being invited. Why? Because I’m transgender, it might make this person uncomfortable because their religious beliefs conflict. Which of course, pissed me off. Not because they don’t support me being trans. But because they would exclude my wife from their reindeer games, only because I am transgender. Nothing changed about my wife, she’s still married. Still loves her kids, still loves her spouse. She’s just got a wife instead of a husband.  I mean, I can’t even picture this person. I’m sure I’ve met her, but I don’t know her. I wasn’t trying to get invited to go see Magic Mike with them. (There’s a certain amount of irony that being trans is a mortal sin, but lusting after men in a movie is ok. Hey, whatever fits your narrative.) However, this was someone that my wife has known since childhood and obviously their views as they’ve matured have grown apart.

Apparently, the person de-friended my wife on facebook, which initially made me mad. I said some choice words about the situation. But looking back? Good. My wife has been very vocal on FB about trans issues and LGBT stuff in general, since I came out. It’s an issue that is now important to her, due to our relationship. As I told her, “You post more about it than I do.”

She’s also fairly active in the church and it’s very apparent that some people there, including some people in her own family are not my strongest supporters. They do pray for her and the kids though. Which is sweet. I always laugh when someone posts that. They never pray for me. Which I am perfectly ok with. I don’t need nor want their prayers. Mostly, because I’m sure they’re praying for me to be a man and not forsake God’s great creation of my body. They’re praying for my mortal soul and my whatever. Again, pray for your own damn sins. I’m over here enjoying my life. I AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR THAT!

But that’s the whole point, I’ve de-friended people for their extreme right wing posts, hate speech, etc. Why? Because I don’t carry those beliefs. Would I shun these acquaintances if I ran into them at a barbeque? Of course not. That’s how we became friends. Over a beer. That’s where it should have stayed. A funny guy at a barbeque that I met once that’s a friend of a friend. I don’t need to be his facebook friend.

So when you’re considering that you have nearly 1200 people that you’re “friends” with, you should consider that. Statistically, they’re not all going to share your views. They don’t have to.  I think you should surround yourself with people who support you. Which means thinning the herd.

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Update – 7/19/2015

I need to take my own advice. I wake up and check my phone because, well, that’s what I do. What do I find?

I do have a sense of humor and I do enjoy laughing. However, do I need to be the punchline to every joke?  Of course, I replied to this person’s post. By the time I got to my computer to collect my thoughts, they had deleted the post.

26 comments, not one of which was corrective of this transphobic garbage.. just a lot of agreement that being trans isn’t brave. More of how Caitlyn stole the Arthur Ashe award from runner-up disabled veteran Noah Galloway. (Which of course, is patently false.) More of how she/he was running away from being a man and that there was no courage in that. And of course, me. The whole post deleted before anyone other than the original author saw it, read something along the lines of “Why not just refer to us transgender folks as IT, that might be easier for you.” That’s the gist. I feel like it had more zing to it, but who knows. It’s 5AM, after all.

I will say that my post originally had very little to do with being transgender. I used that as a jumping point to say that just because you know a person doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea to be their facebook friend. The reason is pretty simple. At some point, they’re going to show you what’s really on their mind. That truth, it may not be what you think of that person. It’s similar to the old saying “Never meet your heros.”  That said, I guess that’s changed with this addendum.

Whether you want to admit it or not, transgender folks are brave. It’s a requirement to live this life. Unless you never admit to anyone that you are trans and you live a miserable life hiding yourself from the world. You can’t be openly transgender and not have some element of bravery and/or courage. Walking out of the house presenting in a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth is scary. The first time I left the house in a dress, I was terrified. Had it not been for a doctor that insinuated that I wasn’t female or trans enough, I wouldn’t have done it so soon. He, in his own shitty way, forced my hand. It’s the only good thing I can say about my experience with him. He pushed me out of my comfort zone. When I showed up in his office later that morning in my floral print dress and my leggings, he looked me up and down and said “Good for you.” Later that day, I walked into my first public women’s room at the mall. Not too long after that, I went to easter dinner and was misgendered and dead named repeatedly. No one corrected anyway.  I sat in the corner, considering the fact that this could be the rest of my life. Up

In the end, it’s all about keeping your head high — keeping forward movement and just doing what you need to do to survive. Anyone who thinks that doesn’t contain some element of bravery is an idiot, and frankly I haven’t got the time.

Ok, not really. But kinda.

I wanted to write this last night, but I was just too tired. I eluded to it on Twitter. I couldn’t fit one thought into 140 characters, because I’m at war with brevity. The dude would be so disappointed, man.

Anyway, the point is that I’ve been really happy with the way things are going right now. That’s not to say that every moment is the most awesome thing in the world, but that it’s a more realistic “life is good” place in life.

My wife and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary this week and into the weekend. We had a lovely time and stayed in the same room at the same bed and breakfast that we spent our first night as “man and wife” in… The irony is not lost on me. We even found in the drawer the guest diary that I wrote in, proclaiming that “time and tide wait for no man, Florida calls.”

We had a very fancy, very expensive, very lackluster dinner at Eddie Merlots and we enjoyed each others company.  All in all, a very good weekend. Megan also bought me a wedding band to replace my old one. This one much more well suited to my presentation.

Honestly, if it weren’t for work, I’d have very little to complain about. Which doesn’t make for very good blogging. You need some drama to keep the readers. Right? I don’t know.

I’m in a good place right now. Everyone is treating me well, I’m making progress. My boobs are growing. My hair is growing. My facial hair is almost gone. Things are good. Now if I could just get my voice tamed, I’d be in business. Even that is coming. I just need to be practicing. Which is hard when you talk on the phone for 8 hours a day. My vocal cords are basically shredded by the time I get off work.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. Time to decompress. Love you all. More later!

So I was discussing my experience with laser hair removal with a few different people today and I thought I would share a couple pictures to show where I was and where I’m at currently.

I started trying to eradicate my facial hair officially on January 19th of this year. I originally purchased six prepaid sessions from a provider on GroupOn. The company, Medshare, had a number of favorable reviews on GroupOn and other sites. The price was extremely affordable.

However, I noticed from the very first session a couple of things. One, their “Laser” wasn’t actually really a laser, but IPL or Intense Pulsed Light. After the first session, I checked it out on Wikipedia. Per the wiki, I thought IPL might still work for me.

First session did very little that I could tell. I would stand in front of the mirror and try and see if I could find any little indication of a change. This behavior continued for all the sessions with Medshare. My second session was two weeks later and then subsequent sessions were 4 weeks out.

By the time May had arrived, I had booked my six session, which was the last of my prepaid GroupOn purchase. I was discouraged to say the least. I started looking at other options like Electrolysis. The idea of having to do my whole face one hair at a time with electrolysis seemed miserable at best and incredibly time consuming. I follow another trans woman on Instagram. She has been documenting her process which is 100% electrolysis. To say that it is slow moving and very painful looking is an understatement. The benefit is that electro is the only method that is 100% permanent. Laser on the hand is advertised as “permanent hair reduction.” As I’ve learned in life, verbiage is everything.

Of course, at this point, I remembered that a local trans friend, Sarah had mentioned the big difference for her between IPL and actual laser. So I did a little research on different providers and I emailed Premier Laser for a consult. At the consult, she gave me a quote for 8-12 sessions, with a 2 year guarantee on re-growth. The price was higher than even I expected, but I was so frustrated with Medshare, I said “TAKE MY MONEY.” It was like an impulsive car deal. Emotion creates motion.

I called MedShare and canceled my last appointment with them. I never told them why, just that I couldn’t make it and I would call to reschedule.  I don’t really have an opinion on the place. I’m more upset with the loss of time rather than the money I spent there. I don’t know if the GroupOn deal is a scam to get you in and lead you on for as long as possible before turning the power up and actually showing some progress. “Power Level: GroupOn” one of my friends joked. However, since the IPL machine had no skin pre-cool, I can’t imagine too much more power from a pain perspective.

My first appointment with Premier was on May 27th. Actually the same day I was supposed  to be going to Medshare. Their machine is a real candela system. They do a pre-cooling spray right before each pulse of the laser. I suspect it’s CO2. It smells like the CO2 I used to use in BB guns as a kid. Even with that, it still is more uncomfortable than the IPL. Which I think speaks to the amount of energy is being dispersed into your follicles. With the IPL, I’d be red for an hour or two after the treatment. For this, I held an icepack to my face for an hour and I still looked like I had a bad case of sunburn for the next two days. Nothing changed for about a week as far as hair growth. I exfoliated with a scrub and by the end of the second week, I was seeing considerable less regrowth. I basically have a really goofy looking patch on my chin and some spotty growth on my upper lip. The rest is just spotty hairs here and there. So in my opinion, the results were pretty dramatic.

I just had my second session with Premier today, so I’m hoping for even more clearage in the next two weeks or so.  I’ll post an update on that later next month.

[Best_Wordpress_Gallery id=”1″ gal_title=”Laser Hair Removal”]

I admit, I never watched the last couple seasons of the The Office. However, I saw this quote was posted by someone else and it seemed relevant.

It took me so long to do so many important things. It’s just hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could have been.

Anyway, I guess the last post was a little dark. I apologize (for nothing.) I am guilty of editorializing my own story from time to time, mainly in order to highlight the good stuff and ignore the negatives. I think we all do that from time to time.

So this week has had a couple of interesting things happen.  I did see my therapist on Tuesday and I beat around the bush of telling her about my suicidal thoughts. I did tell her in the end. Just like writing about it here, only worse. Once you tell your doctor that, you can never take it back.  She needed to know though.

On Wednesday,  I had my first session at the new laser place. The experience compared to the previous provider was much different. The treatment itself was more intense, even with the cooling spray that comes with each pulse of the laser. Based on this, I would say it will be more effective than the old provider. If the discomfort was as bad with a cooling spray, I can assume it would have been unbearable without. Thus more power. If I learning nothing from Tim the Toolman Taylor, more power is always the answer.

In any event, I was mostly burnt up all day Wednesday. I used an ice pack. I moisturized. I drank a lot of water. I purposefully didn’t shave on Thursday, trying to give my skin the chance for recovery. Friday, I did attempt to shave. It was a failure. I’ll make another attempt today, because being a bad bitch with a beard is not my aesthetic.

The following might be TMI, but whatever.. In hormone related notes, my boobs might be growing. Hard to say. See the picture below. What I do know, my nipples are very sore. There’s some sort of growth going on directly behind the nipples. The nipples are growing too. Ahh puberty!

 

This next bit is definitely TMI, so you’ve been warned.

Likewise, on the other end, I’ve noticed my testicles have shrunken considerably. I don’t get erections anymore, although I suspect if I tried it might be possible. However, whereas I used to get “morning wood” and such.. that’s totally gone. Interesting, considering my former sex drive prior to the HRT.

Other than that, the only thing left to report is that I’m officially scheduled for genital reassignment surgery. The only bad part is the wait. My chosen surgeon is booked until 2017! My date as of today is February 8th, 2017.  I am on the cancellation list and am hoping to get a date sometime in the Summer of 2016. I hope I can get that, I don’t want to lose another year waiting.

I know it’s particularly difficult for some of my friends and family to understand (because they’ve told me), since I’ve already waited this long.. but it’s something that’s important to me. I would go right now, if not for health care regulations. I’m not going to get 12 months into this and change my mind. I don’t need a vagina to validate my existence as a woman. I know I’m a woman. However, it’s something I need to do for me.

Also, it’s the only way I can get my gender marker changed on my birth certificate and driver’s license. More to follow….

 

 

 

You should see my drafts folder. I have started so many entries and never finished them. Much like so many other things in my life.. I’m actually the worst at follow through and project completion.

Full Disclosure:  Between this paragraph and the last, I cleaned the fish tank, shaved my legs, picked out jamberry wraps with Megan and had a couple drinks.

Motivation is something that has been a recurring discussion with my therapist. That it.. I have none. I don’t know if there’s an answer to that, a solution to that problem? I’ve been doing it for all my life.

That said, there’s been a lot going on in my life in the last couple weeks. The largest and most important was the birth of my second child, Hunter. He was born on Tuesday the 19th of May at 13:37. Weighing in at 7lbs, 7oz with a height of 19 inches. He was born 3 weeks premature, but suffered no ill effects from this. Mom is doing well and is on the mend. Both are home, after a extended stay in the hospital.

Through the joy, I’ve also been wallowing in self-despair, self-loathing and general depression. The thought of how much I’m going to fuck these kids up over the years. The consideration that I will never be a real woman. Even in discussion with Megan, I referred to myself by the dirtiest of slurs in the transgender world.  Basically that I might never pass, I might always be the awkward shemale tranny weirdo.

I’ve cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years and I think I can attribute most of that to the hormones. I’ve read about this side effect and I had sort of dismissed it because 2 months in, I had seen nothing of the sort. Of course, my first month was at a dosage so low, I could have gotten more estrogen drinking the tap water around these parts.. so I might just be seeing a slightly delayed reaction.

In any event, after that discussion with Megan, I slumped on the floor of Hunter’s bedroom and cried. Just worried that my children will be forever screwed up because their father is a woman. I really don’t want to admit this to anyone, but I think it’s important to put it out there. For a (very) brief moment, I thought being dead might be the better option. Suicidal ideation is not something foreign to me, I used to think about it all the time when I was a teenager. It’s something that crosses my mind from time to time over the years between puberty and now. I’ve never attempted suicide, nor have I ever planned any sort of elaborate plans. It typically goes something like this… “Hrmm, I’d probably be happier/better off dead. The world would be better without you” which is quickly followed by “You’re a god damned fucking idiot.”  So, I just sat on the floor, crying….

“He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.” — Dr. Johnson

Depression and everything else aside, I continue to push forward with my transition. I sent in my check for the deposit on my surgery with Dr. Marci Bowers. This should occur sometime summer or fall of 2016. We are hoping to get a summer date, so Megan can go with me to California for the procedure. It’s about a three and a half hour surgery, which will have me in the bay area for about 2 weeks. The recovery is something like 6-8 weeks beyond that. Having never had major surgery before, it’s kinda scary to think about. It’s also kinda weird to consider the changes… but something I’ve been researching and thinking about for over 20 years now.

I also changed providers for laser hair removal. My previous place wasn’t actually laser, but IPL which is short for “Intense Pulsed Light”. It’s supposed to work all the same, but it also assumes that the vendor is on the up and up and aren’t playing games with the power output in order to sell you more sessions. I came in so cheap on the initial place that I think I should have known better.  The new place is 10 times the cost, but they guarantee success and give a 2 year warranty on hair not growing back. I start Wednesday. They said a 20% reduction is typical within 2 weeks of the first treatment. We’ll see. I would love to not have to shave my face every day. If I could get away from that, I could probably go without makeup more often.

I guess there’s more to say, but it’s late and tomorrow is my first day back to work since Hunter was born. More later.

It’s been a minute since I’ve take the time to update here. I think about it, but as I’ve been explaining to my therapist… I have a real motivation problem. She says I’m not depressed anymore, she’s pulled the diagnosis. However, I’m not so sure. It’s not an all encompassing depression, but I certainly think it still lingers. With that, I look at so many things and think, “I should be doing that.” I should be cleaning the house, I should be trimming the bushes, I should have Hunter’s room finished. It is what it is.

So it’s been a big week for trans people everywhere. Bruce Jenner finally comes out and says it on national TV. He still wants to be referred to with male pronouns for now. That’s fine, it’s his own decision. I feel weird referring to anyone who says they are a woman as “HE.” I get upset when people refer to me as he, him, sir, etc. Pronouns and being misgendered is my biggest peeve currently. I totally understand where it comes from, I mean I certainly look like a man most or part of the time. Unless I slather on about 2 lbs of foundation, my beard shadow is a dead giveaway. My voice hasn’t changed. So I sound like a man. That’s another thing that falls under the “I should be doing X” category. It’s just very hard, progress doesn’t come instantly, and I’m embarrassed to do it anywhere someone else might hear me.

On the positive side, I did finally get my name change back. I have a new updated drivers license, social security card, and I’ve even managed to get one credit card re-issued. Yay! I started writing down everyone that I need to call and or write, and it’s a staggering list. Especially for someone with motivation issues.

Another item for the positive category, I had my follow-up with my new Endocrinologist. New Endo is SO MUCH better than the old endo. After rechecking my blood with about 8-9 vials drawn, he’s upped my Estradiol. He’s also added in Medroxyprogesterone (Provera) and Spironolactone. The Provera is supposed to help with breast development. Preliminary anecdotal evidence says that it’s working. I say that because while I haven’t noticed much in the way of growth, they are very tender. That’s a good sign. The Spiro is actually a blood pressure med, but it’s used off-label as an Androgen Antagonist. That is, it helps reduce testosterone.  The doctor said that even after a month on Estradiol alone, my T levels were still pretty high.

This morning, I had my fifth session of laser on my face. After the 4th session, I’m certainly seeing some serious slow down on the re-growth. I’m hoping to see more progress on this session. I have one more pre-paid session left. After that, I’m not sure if I will continue this course of treatment or switch over to electrolysis. I’m kind of scared of electro, because it seems pretty painful. I’m so tired of shaving my face, and even more tired of the beard shadow that doesn’t go away with shaving that I can justify the pain though. We’ll see.

I’m trying to think if there’s anything else exciting going on that’s transition related. Not coming up with anything..  I’ll write more later, maybe. HA.